…there’s someone in your life that you just can’t stand to be around anymore?
Their habits drive you up the wall, and you keep wishing day after day that they’ll wake up, shake up, and just fucking stop it. Every little thing they do can set off your annoying radar, and they don’t seem to have any desire to change.
…now what do you do if that person is you?
This feels like a ridiculous thing to write, but I’m getting sick to death of myself. I can’t stand to be around me anymore, and I wish more than anything that I could zap my consciousness into a new person. My own bad habits are driving me up the wall, but I’m seriously lacking a desire to do anything about it.
For instance: I hate that I wake up so late in the morning, because everything is rushed after that point and it’s not a great way to start the day. I went to bed last night with the best of intentions, ready to get some sleep, feel rested, and finally get up when my alarm went off the next morning.
I had a terrible sleep last night (again). I feel like I haven’t slept in weeks, either due to the heat wave or my own overactive brain. The last few nights I’ve been taking over the counter cold medicine (nighttime stuff) to try and trick my brain into sleeping deeper and longer, but I still wake up a minimum of once per night, and that’s if I’m lucky enough to fall asleep right away.
So this morning I heard my clock radio start up with Sonic 102.9 modern rock at 6:30am. Then my iPhone went off at 7:00am. Actual time getting out of bed? 7:45am. I have to leave for work at 8:15-8:20 or I’m going to be late. And I like to try to get some breakfast in me before I start my day.
I was so determined last night! What the hell happened to that resolve?
My job is also making me crazy, because I feel like I can’t do anything right! Writing reports has never been my thing, and now it seems like that’s all I’m expected to produce. But since I hate it so much, I put it off…and off…and off. Enough is getting done that my bosses don’t feel the need to sit me down for a stern talking-to, but I feel useless at work. But I’m sick of job-hopping. I’ve been applying to a few positions in Calgary and each time I hit the submit button I feel just a little bit more wretched. I like this company, and I wish I could do more for them. But I can’t seem to get over my self-defeating attitude long enough to do something worthwhile and useful.
Seriously, how do you get away from someone driving you crazy, when that someone is you??
And I know the simple solution is to, duhhh, change. If I hate what I’m doing (in behaviours) why not just do something different?? It just seems like I can’t even muster the effort to do that. I can’t explain it. I hate myself because of my habits, but I can’t even seem to rally long enough to try and form new habits. I’ve said to myself every day this week that I’ll get out of bed on time, but it never happens. I feel like I’m glued to that mattress and so fucking exhausted that I can’t do without the extra 30 minutes of broken sleep I do get by staying in bed.
Every day when I come to work, I say “Today will be the day that those projects I hate get done,” but then I spend the day doing other things (mostly dicking around) and then have to face the same pile of work the next day.
This self-defeating, self-loathing attitude is eating me alive, and it feels like every day that this continues it gets a little stronger, holds on a little tighter, and is that much harder to picture living without. After writing this all down, it feels even more ridiculous, and I hate myself for not feeling able to do anything about it. This problem is stupid, ridiculous, and the fact that I can’t change it must mean I’m stupid, ridiculous too.