Technically, it is spring. Technically, there should be birds, bees, flowers, grass, and all the other wonderful bits of nature that come to life after a long and dreary winter.
This is our spring right now:
This was a few days ago now, but the forecast is calling for more snow on Sunday, and temperatures will be between -2 and 9 (today, the highest) until next Monday. There is no sunshine icon on my weather app at all for the next 6 days.
This gets to me, gets under my skin and makes things start to feel off. Nothing is as exciting as it used to be, and a deep feeling of restlessness and unease sets in.
I’ve long thought that I might have an issue with seasonal affective disorder, as Canadians are wont to suffer from. We don’t get a lot of sunshine in the winter months, because of our geographical location; the weather doesn’t always help either what with clouds and snowstorms. By the end of October, the sun is rising at 8am, and setting around 6pm. OCTOBER. By December, we’re looking at 8:30am to 4:30pm for sunlight hours. And guess what my working hours are? No, not 8:30-4:30, but 8:30-5:30. So in December I’m literally coming to work in the dark, and leaving in the dark.
This winter, I know I’ve dealt with all of this better than I did in previous years. The dietary changes I’ve made did wonders for my mood almost immediately, and consequently my ability to cope with anxiety and depression got much better. It hardly bothered me at all in the darkest of the winter months, and I knew that soon enough there would be lots of light and sunshine again.
Now that we’re a third of the way through April already with very little change in season and weather, it’s starting to hit me. All the feelings I’ve been great at dealing with the last 7 months have started to become more insistent, less likely to back down when I confront them with reason and rationality. I’m feeling those old sensations creeping up on me, making me feel anxious, restless, fidgety.
Even typing this blog entry is becoming increasingly difficult.
I’m ready for, and need to have, some spring weather. Summer, even, if we want to skip right to the +20 temperatures. That’s fine with me. But my mental well-being and physical self can’t take much more of this gray, dreary, still-dead landscape. Objectively, I’m very satisfied with my life. I like my job, coworkers, and work. Freelancing is going well. My friends are amazing, and my relationship with Thomas is strong as ever. But this dark creepy feeling twists everything so it all looks just a little skewed. Things aren’t wrong, but they don’t quite feel right either. I’m looking to fix things that aren’t broken to satisfy that restless urge in my gut.
This vacation to Mexico is probably coming at a great time. It won’t be full-on summer yet in Calgary (sadly, I know this is true even though we’re going in MAY) and it will be the boost I need to keep going and make it through.
The little things have to be enough right now.