lost its lustre


(And yes, it is spelled “lustre.” I’m Canadian, dammit.)

Blogging seems to have lost its hold on me. I’ve written about this before (and recently!), but the longer I go without posting, the less I miss this medium of writing.

It’s been a long month. A difficult, heartbreaking, busy, exhausting month.

Work has been crazy busy, and there was a span of four days where I was on the set of a commercial shoot from the crack of dawn until the early evening. Or, conversely, I’d be there in the evening and late into the next day. My sleep schedule is still messed up, because I’m still not sleeping.

Probably because on the heels of that, we had to put our cat Luongo down. Sunday, October 13, 2013 will go down as one of the most awful days I’ve ever experienced. Thomas and I are still reeling, hurting, and broken, but slowly putting things back together. He had Feline Leukemia Virus, and there was absolutely nothing we could have done for him except to take him to the vet, get the diagnosis, and make the decision to euthanize. Our other two cats have tested negative for the virus, and thank goodness we won’t have to inevitably go through this all again one day. They’re both indoor cats, so the chances of them picking up this or any other virus is much slimmer.

I’m just feeling lost, adrift, and sad. And the last thing that will make any of that go away, in my mind, is blogging. Not when thinking about my blog also makes me feel lost, adrift, and sad. I just don’t have the passion for this that I used to, and the self-censoring has only grown worse as I’ve gotten older, not better. I don’t feel like I can say anything like I used to. I wouldn’t want something I’d written to be misunderstood or need further explanation. I’m constantly weighing the pros of writing versus the cons of misspeaking, and the cons are becoming increasingly heavier.

Couple that with the fact that there doesn’t feel like anything in my life worth writing about right now. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful things to talk about. But I don’t think that they’re things that live on this blog. My relationship is great, my work is fun, my friends are awesome, my family loves me. But there’s only so many times you can address these topics in a blog post without feeling like you’re repeating yourself.

And I guess that’s how I’ve felt for a while now: like a record constantly on repeat. I don’t know if my writing has improved, changed, or stagnated. I don’t feel like my blogging has done anything but prove to me that I’m too unsure/uncertain to be a blogger/writer. Now I’m very confident in other areas of my life, but at times writing here can make my stomach churn.

Maybe I should open a private account, or shut this one down. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be back. It’s likely; I can’t seem to stay away from my blog for too long.

But I want that to be on my terms, not out of obligation. So this site will remain open, but I have zero clue just how long it’ll be between entries if at all.

Thanks for reading. Not just today, but for every time you’ve clicked through to my page. While I don’t know where this fits into my life anymore, I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having had this outlet for the last ten years.

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5 thoughts on “lost its lustre

  1. Though you didn’t ask for tips, tricks or miracle cures, I’ll give you my two cents, in the hopes it comes across more useful than meandering… which I can sometimes be.

    On Blogs
    Blogs go stagnant all the time. A simple way to have a blog end on your own terms is to set out from the start deciding it will be a short-term project. Like that 300 Sandwiches blog (http://300sandwiches.com/). It has a purpose and it has an ending. I haven’t found my version of that yet, but I’m working on crafting it right now.

    On Writing in General
    If and when you decide writing is on your priority list again, I’d recommend coming at it from a different direction than you have in the past. For me, that would mean getting out of my apartment and doing something more collaborative, like the free writing classes at the public library or taking a stab at a different genre (chick lit vs journalism next month, if I’m brave enough). I think it will help me get out of the routines that I easily fall into and which can make me forget how to get to my most creative places.

    On Self-Censoring
    Only recently have I started to think I want to write about things or people in my life, but felt like it wouldn’t be appropriate to blog publicly about them. That’s part of what has prodded me toward trying of that aforementioned chick lit fiction. I think that’s one way to express and explore the things that happen in our lives. But you might find it works in a different genre for you (i.e. poetry, photography, music).

    Thank you for the space to spill the above and I hope your month is on the uptick very soon!

  2. For what it’s worth, I do think that you are a very good writer, and that you should be proud of what you’ve done here. With that said, if things are at the point where this is causing you strife, the choice to pull back and stop forcing yourself to keep going is a very good one.

    I’m sorry to hear about Luo. He was a sweet boy.

  3. Again, I am so sad for you about your kitty. I actually cried, again, when I read this blog post. It makes me so sad and my heart hurts so bad when I hear about a loving pet that has passed. I haven’t even met your kitties, but I love them already. I am so sorry.

    Whatever you decide, we are here with you. You have to want to blog as that is the most important fact.

  4. Hello Kylie!
    How are you travelling? Can you believe we’re on the cusp of December?
    I thought you might like to know that I am hosting Reverb again this year. It’d be a privilege to have you join us.
    Everything you need to know can be found at: http://www.katmcnally.com/p/reverb13.html
    We kick off on Sunday and it is going to be AMAZING. Hope to see you there!
    Kat xxx

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