(And yes, it is spelled “lustre.” I’m Canadian, dammit.)
Blogging seems to have lost its hold on me. I’ve written about this before (and recently!), but the longer I go without posting, the less I miss this medium of writing.
It’s been a long month. A difficult, heartbreaking, busy, exhausting month.
Work has been crazy busy, and there was a span of four days where I was on the set of a commercial shoot from the crack of dawn until the early evening. Or, conversely, I’d be there in the evening and late into the next day. My sleep schedule is still messed up, because I’m still not sleeping.
Probably because on the heels of that, we had to put our cat Luongo down. Sunday, October 13, 2013 will go down as one of the most awful days I’ve ever experienced. Thomas and I are still reeling, hurting, and broken, but slowly putting things back together. He had Feline Leukemia Virus, and there was absolutely nothing we could have done for him except to take him to the vet, get the diagnosis, and make the decision to euthanize. Our other two cats have tested negative for the virus, and thank goodness we won’t have to inevitably go through this all again one day. They’re both indoor cats, so the chances of them picking up this or any other virus is much slimmer.
I’m just feeling lost, adrift, and sad. And the last thing that will make any of that go away, in my mind, is blogging. Not when thinking about my blog also makes me feel lost, adrift, and sad. I just don’t have the passion for this that I used to, and the self-censoring has only grown worse as I’ve gotten older, not better. I don’t feel like I can say anything like I used to. I wouldn’t want something I’d written to be misunderstood or need further explanation. I’m constantly weighing the pros of writing versus the cons of misspeaking, and the cons are becoming increasingly heavier.
Couple that with the fact that there doesn’t feel like anything in my life worth writing about right now. Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful things to talk about. But I don’t think that they’re things that live on this blog. My relationship is great, my work is fun, my friends are awesome, my family loves me. But there’s only so many times you can address these topics in a blog post without feeling like you’re repeating yourself.
And I guess that’s how I’ve felt for a while now: like a record constantly on repeat. I don’t know if my writing has improved, changed, or stagnated. I don’t feel like my blogging has done anything but prove to me that I’m too unsure/uncertain to be a blogger/writer. Now I’m very confident in other areas of my life, but at times writing here can make my stomach churn.
Maybe I should open a private account, or shut this one down. I don’t know. Maybe I’ll be back. It’s likely; I can’t seem to stay away from my blog for too long.
But I want that to be on my terms, not out of obligation. So this site will remain open, but I have zero clue just how long it’ll be between entries if at all.
Thanks for reading. Not just today, but for every time you’ve clicked through to my page. While I don’t know where this fits into my life anymore, I know that I wouldn’t be the person I am today without having had this outlet for the last ten years.